Grief in the Season of Gratitude: Coping During the Holidays
Grief is lonely at the best of times, but especially during the holiday season. November and December are often filled with reflections of gratitude, the accomplishments of the year and the comfort of family and friends. For those who are grieving, however, this time of year can feel alienating.
You might find yourself asking:
“What am I supposed to be grateful for when my baby is gone?”
“How can I be around my family and friends and be happy for their pregnancy announcement or new baby?”
You are not alone.
Most grievers struggle during the holidays, no matter when their loss occurs. Conflicting motivations- needing to slow down and reflect inward while also feeling pressure to stay present- can feel overwhelming. There are often so many activities on the calendar and not enough energy or glad tidings to go around.
You are not alone.
As we approach the Thanksgiving holidays, I think it is important for grievers to reflect on ways they can manage and prepare for the seasonal overwhelm.
Practical Tips for Navigating Holiday Grief:
1. Set realistic expectations: It is ok to scale back on commitments if your energy or motivation wanes by the day. Decide what you can realistically manage and give yourself permission to say no.
2. Have an exit strategy: Even with preparation, events can feel overwhelming. Plan an exit strategy- maybe that is notifying the host beforehand that you might need to leave early or a hand signal across the room to a friend or partner that you need a break.
3. Reach out to supportive others: The people who love us want to know how to support us but often don’t know how. A text or email to support people can be a low-pressure way to ask for what you might need during this time. This could also look like attending virtual or in person support groups. Fellow grievers can offer solace and reassurance that you are not alone.
4. Give yourself permission to do things differently this year: Sometimes when we are grieving, traditions can feel stifling and overwhelming. Remember this is temporary and what you need this year might be different than next year. If old traditions feel comfortable and familiar, then embrace them! Trust your judgement.
5. Include rituals for your baby: Honor your child in a way that feels meaningful. Maybe you want a prayer said at the Thanksgiving table, or a candle lit in the corner. It might be including your child in family photos or having others write a letter for their stocking. Don’t hesitate to ask for support from loved ones in making these rituals happen.
It is ok if this season doesn’t bring the typical warmth and cheerfulness that it used to. Grief can mute the festivity and joy and challenge our beliefs about what we “should” feel.
In the words of grief counselor and educator, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, “Let your holiday grief be what it is. And let yourself - your new, grieving self - be who you are.” “Remember, it’s okay to grieve during the holidays. Take care of yourself, honor your feelings, and lean on the support you need.
You are not alone.
